jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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