did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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