and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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