When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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