2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
