What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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