Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Randomize
