well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
