I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
