he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
