just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
