It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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