So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
