Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
