My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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