I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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