You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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