My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
