Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize