So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
