how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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