my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
my being single is dangerous.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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