I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
