OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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