i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
