We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
