I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
