I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
