What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
