No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
