you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
