I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
