Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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