Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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