cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
We need to get me chipped asap
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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