I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
