Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
