I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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