when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
It's shark week go big or go home
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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