I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Randomize
