is your mom at the bar?
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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