Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
