so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
