I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
