I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
