Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
