I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
