There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
