Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
