My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
