She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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