Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
