Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
