Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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