I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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