Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
