I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
