i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize