he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
