Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
